I was so delighted by the urgency of this fantasy that its sinful nature eluded me. It just didn’t occur to me that while heterosexual, it was still an expression of basic lust that I'd need to learn to control. Like most heterosexual males, it's taken me a while - longer than I can be proud of - to control, though this type of common sin has been infinitely easier to reconcile. At least in the challenge of defeating *this* sin, I was in good company - part of a well-intended majority, committed to striving toward self-betterment to become holy in the eyes of God.

A few weeks after this second moment of clarity, to my great relief, I began to pass the ivory soap test. In the same bathtub that had been my shame, I found that my old fantasies were simply not present anywhere in my mind. When I attempted to conjure them by force, I found that instead of excitement, they produced only images of bodily senses and smells which if I concentrated on, eventually caused a gag reflex. For the first time since pastor McDermott's sermon, as I held back nausea in the bathtub, I felt worthy of God’s love and forgiveness.

I owe my life to Hetracil – literally; If that medication hadn’t existed - or if I wasn't able to obtain it because of a law like that proposed by Proposition 313, I’d have died. Some of you in the comments section of this blog have accused me of melodrama in this claim. I hope that now that you've heard the whole story, you can understand. I can say with absolute certainty that I’d have ended my own life rather than continue to live outside the light of the Lord.

I know how this may sound to the more secular-minded among you, and I do not want to sound patronizing, but I've got to speak frankly here: Unless you've known god, you cannot imagine the pain of sinning against Him knowingly. I’m aware - ad nauseum - of the stigma that religion carries in contemporary intellectual circles. I am an Engineer by training, and I’m used to having to academically justify my religious beliefs. All throughout my education, my peers have expressed disbelief that an Engineer could also be a devout Christian. The notion that a student of science could believe in God and Jesus Christ was too much of a contradiction for most of my peers to accept.

The conventional wisdom in these circles, while it dismisses religion in general, reserves a special stigma for Christianity. Dr. Lev Gewirtzman, a Jewish colleague of mine from the University of Rochester, summarizes the situation with honesty and eloquence:

You see someone on a subway car reading the Koran and you feel he’s persecuted; You see a Chasidic Jew reading the Torah, you feel he’s pious; Even Jehovah’s Witnesses handing out their Watchtower manage to inspire pity, like victims of a cult; Jews for Jesus: confused and pretentious; it’s only the bible reading Christian that seems judgmental, malevolent, insane.

Take me at face value: As a Christian I believe that the way to salvation is through the acceptance of Jesus Christ into your life: that’s what my religion teaches. My homosexuality put me at odds with these beliefs, and it’s these beliefs – not my homosexuality which are the cornerstone of my identity.

Now let me tell you what Rachael Sondheim said: In that Starbucks at Princeton university, after I told her what I've just told you, she asked me to sign on board with her and the ACLU in support of propopsition 313.

At first, of course, I was incredulous. I had told her the story that I've just told you, and she asked me join with her in banning the pill that saved my soul.

This is what she told me- that Thousands of children in our country are being forced to take hetracil by their parents.

I told her what many of you have written in the comments section in the past: I explained that there are many of you who believe that that's what god intended - that perhaps mass vaccination is the reason that God lead man to the discovery of Hetracil in the first place.

“Do you believe that?" she asked me, and looked hurt. "That children should have no choice?”

That is not what I believe, and I told her so. I can only answer for myself. That choice was the biggest thing I’ve ever done; It’s an essential choice for homosexuals, crucial in the eyes of god- but I cannot and will not force anyone else to make that choice. The moral, Christian imperative dictates that each man make that choice on their own.

She told me next to consider a law that made it mandatory for all homosexuals to take Hetracil, and asked if I could see myself being in favor of such a law.

I told her that I would not be in favor of such a law, an answer which will again, I know, Heinrich's feathers. It's not solely because I believe in every man's right to make his own decisions- it's because it's the choice itself that matters; it's the choice itself that god cares about. When I chose not to be a homosexual, I made that choice for God. It isn't enough to act like a heterosexual because of the effects of a pill - it's the choice itself, to honor god's commands, that is important.

This caused Rachael exhale and nod. "You see," she reasoned, "you've got more vested in the passage of proposition 313 than I do."

This is the thought I can't shake. Can you? This is what keeps me from finishing the article; If kids really are being forced to take Hetracil, then they're never being given the chance to make a choice for God. This is heretical - God gave us over to the reprobate mind precisely so that we would have to make such choices! It is an unexpected, upsetting realization. Despite feeling manipulated - I realize that Sondheim is using this logic to support a position which she accepts for the wrong reasons -the idea is something that I can’t deny.
Perhaps the true 'Other Side' of Proposition 313 is that it will force choice upon the population.

If Hetracil is truly being forced on anyone - and frankly the evidence seems to be that it is - then it seems we've got a moral and Christian obligation to put a stop to this. Unfortunately, The fundamental problem with Proposition 313 still exists: It's unacceptable to prevent everyone under the age of eighteen to access this medication. Should I be working with Sondheim to see if we can solidify a middle ground solution? Surely there exists a space between absolute prohibition and total chaos. Mandatory therapy to accompany prescriptions to minors? Third party evaluations to determine motivation and verify consent?

For now though, it feels like I'm alone. Can any of you hear me? Again I feel myself moving with the heaviness of an outsider. I’m unnerved by the prospect of judgment from my peers- anxious about my next interaction with Heinrich because I know how contradictory my conclusions will appear to him. But once again, I’ll let my beliefs speak for themselves: The idea that you can vaccinate an entire population against God’s judgment is every bit as unjust as denying individuals the freedom to choose transformation via Hetracil. Both actions steal choice.

The fundamental purpose of doing God’s will is the decision to give one’s life to God; If the decision is forced upon an individual, then while that man may cease to be a sinner, he also ceases to be a man. That much I know is true, and challenged from either opposition, I’ll do what I’ve always done: continue to be myself.