It just so happens that while I was reaching this climax of sexual development, the release of Hetracil was creating ripples throughout the international community. Time, Newsweek, People; The entire world was abuzz with the ramifications of the discovery, and our little Pennsylvania church was no exception.
The evidence that homosexuality was chemically treatable - and therefore chemically induced - seemed to create the need to refactor a large portion of society's ethical context. Was it still a sin to be a Homosexual if Homosexuality was something that God had created? If not, did it mean that the Church had been wrong for the last 2000 years? Was it more of a sin to live as God created you, or to fight against His creation using man-made chemicals?
Again, I was oblivious to these tensions at the time - until that particular Sunday, when our pastor decided that the hushed whispers of the congregation had gotten to loud to ignore. In church that day, He preached a sermon that scared me to the depths of my soul. More than anything that he said, it was more the timing of the sermon itself - it was as if God had watched me in the bathtub, and was speaking to me directly.
That sermon broke new ground for me- I heard details that I'd I had never heard before - the secret punishments of God. Of course I knew that sex before marriage was immoral, that masturbation was a sin - but I had no inkling that a special circle of hell was reserved for men or women who lay with another of their own.
I don't have to tell you what Christianity says about Homosexuality - these sermons have been available online since the birth of the internet.
What it will help you to know however, is that my pastor was very mainstream in his rejection of Hetracil and of the concept of innate Homosexual behavior. He reasoned, as did a sizable majority of Christians, that just because a chemical could modify Man's behavior was no evidence that the behavior itself was genetically pre-determined. The example our Pastor used was castration - a perfect demonstration of a technology that chemically modifies behavior: yet surely it didn't mean that God created man to be lustful.
Most churches didn't start to accept anti-effeminates as a valid means of Saving Homosexuals until Heinrich Herber's research became widespread. (That's why, no matter what disagreements I have with Heinrich now or in the future, he will always remain a hero of mine - Again, Digressing.)
I've never been affected by any spoken word as I have by that sermon- it literally produced a visceral reaction within me and fueled a driving force that I still work from today. Now at the time, I didn't have quite such an abstract appreciation for the pastor's sermon- understandably, my stomach was knotted in fear. I always felt hopeful though; I knew that God had intended for me to hear those words at precisely the time that I did.
When we got into the car after church that day, I was uncharacteristically silent. My stomach was so knotted in fear that I couldn't pay attention to what my mom was asking me. When my dad chimed into the conversation, which he very rarely did, it brought my attention back - it was so rare for him to chime into my mother and my post-church conversation.
"This is what we grew up learning, Benjamin. And It's good for you to hear it too- that's why we drive two hours to church every Sunday- it's just not the kind of thing that you're going to hear much of inside the city. "
My father had a very sturdy facade about him- he always acted very sure of himself and with determination and certainty. It wasn't later in life that I even considered that there was an insecurity behind this wall he had built.
"Well, what don't you think we'd hear inside the city, Frank?" My mother was extremely pious woman and devoted wife, but she was also a very proud woman. She wasn't someone who would swallow of dogma of any kind, and didn't mind arguing with our father in front of us when she felt it was important. She was the only one in the family who had made friends quickly once we moved to New York City - I had always gotten the sense that she was the only one who was ever legitimately happy about moving.
"Well, you know, people's position on this stuff has shifted in the last few years. When we were young, people viewed homosexuals as criminals, and now they're seen more and more as victims."
"Well, I think even the church's position has shifted a bit - the creation of hetracil was bound to do that. The fact that these individuals can take a pill and get rid of their condition- It's shown that a lot of people really did want to change- they just couldn't help themselves."
"Not being able to help themselves is exactly the point," argued my father,” It’s just like the Father was saying this morning- there's a difference between not being able to control your actions and desires and getting a sickness like a strep-throat or an infection- one needs antibiotics, the other is just a pill to help control your behavior, like a valium, or yes, like neutering a dog."
My mom sat for a moment, considering what my dad had said.I filled the silence with the question I had been wondering most of the morning, "What exactly is Hetracil?"
"If you've ever really talked to a homosexual," interrupted my mother, "a real homosexual, Frank, not some pervert who secretly liked to mess around with men, then you know what I'm talking about. You can tell by their voices, their body language, that something is different- It's like wires got crossed- Like something about them is just female.
"Well, what you're doing is putting the cart before the horse, Carol. I know what you're referring to and I've seen 'em on TV and at work but the female characteristics you're describing develop after they've made the choice to practice homosexuality."
"That's just not true- if you'd seen what I've seen you'd know- Back at Maple Grove we'd see it in seven year old, six year old boys. You'd spend two minutes with them and know without a doubt that they'd grow up to be homosexual."
In Ohio, mom had taught first grade at the Maple Grove elementary school in Elyria. It wasn't just my sister and I who had to leave in the middle of a school year- She would be trapped as a housewife in New York until she'd be able to get another teaching job in September.
"Carol, I trust you- but if you think about what The Father said today- you can see why it's just not possible that men are born homosexual, strictly speaking. There's got to be some kind of middle ground that explains your experience and what he said today."
My father wasn't an overbearing or angry father- He respected my mother and her thoughts, he just had a very strong sense of what was right, and he wanted to defend that no matter what he had to do.
"What exactly is Hetracil?" I asked again.
